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Archive for August, 2008

Tart

Mum and her colleagues have a new name for me.

“Tart”

Hmm. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

This morning mum was laughing as she arrived at work and she told Kathy why. We had been awake since 4am and so we were a bit tired on the tube on the way to the office. I decided to turn the charm on full blast. I licked every passenger’s hand, foot, and leg if it was showing. I rubbed against their legs. I looked at them with my big eyes. I swished my tail back and forth in big sweeping waves. I snuck under people’s elbows and knees for a pat on the head. I didn’t leave anyone out. Everyone was smiling at me and at mum. It makes for a good change from sitting pretending everyone else doesn’t exist.

*big grin*

It’s easy to get attention when you know how. Just turn on the charm and talk with your eyes.

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Eddie is a dog on a mission. With your help, he wants to change legislation in the U.S.A. to make sure chemicals are safe before they’re put on the market. Check out his blog Pets for the Environment. I’ve added it to my blog roll. They’ve done their research! Mum was really annoyed to find that hoomans don’t test chemicals to make sure they’re safe, before putting them into our food. It’s disgraceful. No wonder I often have an upset tummy!

You can help by joing Pets for the Environment. There are lots of other things you can do to help as well, such as checking ingredient labels and only buying quality food, and avoiding non-stick cooking pans (ooooh, Mum won’t like this one!). Follow the link for more ideas.

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Pets

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door, at pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years–canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

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Where’s the cork?

I threw up my dinner on Tuesday night. The next morning, mum gave me breakfast and I managed to keep it down. But then I got the runs. I’ve been ill for 5 days with the runs. Poor me, poor mum. She’s been taking me outside every hour for the first few days and I couldn’t even wait until we got to the park. Jane says it’s because I’ve been stuffing my face again. Mum even stood over me in the pouring rain and held her umbrella over me while she got wet.

Mum took me to the doggy doctor on Saturday. He took my temperature and said it’s fine. He had to keep repeating himself as mum was so tired she couldn’t make sense of what he was saying. I’d been waking her at 4am for a few nights, you see. To go outside and do what I had to do. So, his prescription was 6 cans of special food for me, it’s a different brand, not my usual IAMS or Bakers. Mum says it’s called ‘Damn Expensive’. Funny name for a brand, that. Anyway, it tastes really good. And it made me feel better.

Mum looked at the ingredients on the Damn Expensive tin:
Meat & animal derivatives, cereals, eggs & egg derivatives, minerals, derivatives of vegetable origin.
Highly digestible ingredients: turkey, rice, liver, maize, dried whole egg.

Average analysis;
Protein 7.3%
Fat 4.2%
Fibre 0.2%
Ash 1.9%
Moisture 71.3%
Calcium 0.31%
Phosphorus 0.22%
Sodium 0.12%
Potassium 0.29%
Vitamin D3 430iu/kg
Vitamin E 172mg/kg
Copper 3.4mg/kg
Coloured with iron oxide and caramel

Then mum looked at my usual Bakers food, which is dried biscuits.
Ingredients;
Cereals, meat & animal derivatives, vegetable protein extracts, oils and fats, derivatives of vegetable origin, various sugars, minerals, vegetables. With antioxidants, coloured with and preserved with EC additives.

Typical analysis;
Protein 23%
Fat 10%
Ash 6.5%
Fibre 3%
Calcium 1.2%
Vitamin A 12,000 iu/kg
Vitamin D3 800 iu/kg
Vitamin E 60 mg/kg
Copper sulphate 18 mg/kg
Iron sulphate 215 mg/kg

Hmmm hmmm hmmm! Mum thinks the tinned stuff is healthier and smells nicer. I agree. But she says she’d be quite happy to cook steak and eggs for me – when I stop licking the pavement!

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