Archive for August, 2007

Tablets, pills and the like

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with ‘puddy’ wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Pour a “Pint of the Black Stuff”. Fetch bottle of Paddy’s Whiskey. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Guinness and Paddys. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant ‘Catsputin’ from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

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High falutin’ fashion

Guess who I bumped into today! I was walking in the park with my friend Lisa and bumped into Vivienne Westwood and her dog.

Mum is gutted.


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Toys baRk Us

It’s been a while since I’ve emptied my toy box so mum put it in the middle of the lounge as temptation. Ooohh I’d forgotten I had so many toys. What’s this rope thing? Let’s see if I can get it over my head.

Naaah, that didn’t work. Let’s go for a run around the house.

I’m back! No toys upstairs. OFFICIAL COMPLAINT MUM!!! What else is there?

I’ve emptied the box of about ten balls and there is an old bone in the bottom and a load of fake ones. The fake ones come in chocolate and caramel flavours. Does mum think she can pull the wool over my eyes like that? Huh. Neh-neh-ne-ne-neeh!

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Rainy days are here


So much water came out of the sky today! I had a good time jumping in all the puddles and was soaked by the time we got home. Mum says I look much more like a poodle when it’s raining. What do you think?

I got a nice towel rub and settled down to watch the TV.

(mum – why are you sitting so close to the TV, Smudge? not good for your eyes!)

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It’s been a very busy couple of weeks for us, mum has got a new job and had to tie up her old ones for handover. We’ve been running all round London visiting new colleagues as part of our induction.

So I was really pleased today when mum took me to Spitalfields. We met up with Janine, David and Matt for a long walk around Spitalfields and Petticoat Lane markets. Then mum had a long lazy Italian lunch and lots of lattes, she talked for 7 hours non stop, she sent me to sleep!

We found an art gallery named after me with lots of prints by Banksy (I’m a dog with extremely good taste!) …..


and we came across a *very* interesting shop where they sell different olive oils and olive trees, mum went in to taste the oils and I admired all the trees outside. Good walk mum!

olive trees

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