Pets

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door, at pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years–canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Where’s the cork?

I threw up my dinner on Tuesday night. The next morning, mum gave me breakfast and I managed to keep it down. But then I got the runs. I’ve been ill for 5 days with the runs. Poor me, poor mum. She’s been taking me outside every hour for the first few days and I couldn’t even wait until we got to the park. Jane says it’s because I’ve been stuffing my face again. Mum even stood over me in the pouring rain and held her umbrella over me while she got wet.

Mum took me to the doggy doctor on Saturday. He took my temperature and said it’s fine. He had to keep repeating himself as mum was so tired she couldn’t make sense of what he was saying. I’d been waking her at 4am for a few nights, you see. To go outside and do what I had to do. So, his prescription was 6 cans of special food for me, it’s a different brand, not my usual IAMS or Bakers. Mum says it’s called ‘Damn Expensive’. Funny name for a brand, that. Anyway, it tastes really good. And it made me feel better.

Mum looked at the ingredients on the Damn Expensive tin:
Meat & animal derivatives, cereals, eggs & egg derivatives, minerals, derivatives of vegetable origin.
Highly digestible ingredients: turkey, rice, liver, maize, dried whole egg.

Average analysis;
Protein 7.3%
Fat 4.2%
Fibre 0.2%
Ash 1.9%
Moisture 71.3%
Calcium 0.31%
Phosphorus 0.22%
Sodium 0.12%
Potassium 0.29%
Vitamin D3 430iu/kg
Vitamin E 172mg/kg
Copper 3.4mg/kg
Coloured with iron oxide and caramel

Then mum looked at my usual Bakers food, which is dried biscuits.
Ingredients;
Cereals, meat & animal derivatives, vegetable protein extracts, oils and fats, derivatives of vegetable origin, various sugars, minerals, vegetables. With antioxidants, coloured with and preserved with EC additives.

Typical analysis;
Protein 23%
Fat 10%
Ash 6.5%
Fibre 3%
Calcium 1.2%
Vitamin A 12,000 iu/kg
Vitamin D3 800 iu/kg
Vitamin E 60 mg/kg
Copper sulphate 18 mg/kg
Iron sulphate 215 mg/kg

Hmmm hmmm hmmm! Mum thinks the tinned stuff is healthier and smells nicer. I agree. But she says she’d be quite happy to cook steak and eggs for me - when I stop licking the pavement!

Thin is in!

Mum took me to the doggy doctor for my annual vaccination booster. First thing -

Doc - “Has he lost any weight?”

Mum - “Oh yes! A little bit, I think”

I was placed on the scales and Doc checked on his computer. I’ve lost almost 2 kg! Doc is really pleased! He says he can’t call me fat any more!

I’m going to be booked in to have my teeth whitened, again! Apart from that, I’m in good shape. Hip hip!

Doc told mum that it’s rare to see a dog that’s so friendly and always happy to see you. Aww. I love my Doc.

I do …

Mum’s friend Jane got married last week. Jane is a fashion designer and made her own bridal gown. It was beautiful and Jane looked like a model. Mum was sooo glad I didn’t put my paws on her dress! The wedding was a very traditional affair. I tried to be really good during the church service but I thought it was too long, especially as no one was paying me any attention. All eyes were on the bride. Mum - can I get married one day?

We went to the reception in Gerrards Cross - I didn’t get to ride in Jane’s red car, what a shame!

We were in the countryside - brilliant! I ran around with Harry and got very hot and bothered. It was a lovely day and we had lots of photos taken outside. We went inside and mum & I were sitting opposite the top table. VIPs! The food was to die for, I salivated like you wouldn’t believe. I played with the bridesmaids, they had such bright pink dresses that I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Jane had made those dresses as well. Clever!

Jane had also made the table decorations, lemons and limes topped with pink and red flowers, they were stunning.

Everyone had chocolate cake (except me) so I had a bit of a sulk after that. But lots of people kept coming to say hello to me so I didn’t mind too much. It took us 3 hours to get home though!

Parties galore

I’ve not been around much lately have I, so here I am to stop by and say hello. I haven’t forgotten you! Mum has been partying hard and that means so have I.

Mum organised a hen party for Jane and she packed me off to Auntie Maria’s for the weekend, so I totally missed this one. But I heard it was the hen party of the year. They went to a burlesque / lap dancing class, then went back to the hotel for champagne. Then they went to an excellent Thai restaurant, a bar and nightclub. Mum was in the hotel bar at 3am playing silly b*ggers and had a great time. She hit the spa the next morning and then came to pick me up. And I missed all that fun!

Then it was Julia’s hen party. This was an excellent champagne picnic in Highbury park. I had to stay on the lead so I wasn’t very happy about that, but I did manage to steal some of mum’s cheese. It was a lovely hot day too.

We met another dog - mum said it’s the smallest dog she’s ever seen.

We then hit the pub where I got a huge bowl of water - they really do know how to look after four-legged friends around here!

Then it was Julia’s wedding in Epping. Doesn’t she make a beautiful bride?

Look, she made the beautiful chocolate cake all by herself, isn’t she clever? The bride and groom are sitting on an island with a boat because Phil rowed Julia out to an island and proposed to her there.

Of course, I did my usual and made more friends at the reception party….

…… I’m shattered!

I’ve still got Jane’s wedding to ‘do’ as well!

Peg leg

I’ve been at home all day. Mum took me into work but I was practically crawling along the pavement and I was holding my leg up as I couldn’t put any weight on it, so she took me home to rest. After calling me a pirate.

We went to the park yesterday and had a lovely time. It was so sunny, our first proper sunny weekend this year. I was chasing my ball for 2 hours, and it was a half hour walk to the park, so I really had a lot of exercise. And a lot of fun. Too much of both, really. Mum says I look like I’ve run a Marathon, as I’m moving so slowly. I feel like I’ve run a Marathon. So I stayed in mum’s bed all day and snuggled up in her duvet.

zzzzz……

Rent-a-dog

Mum and I are really NOT happy about this new Rent-a-Dog service that’s hopped over from the USA. It’s not fair to the dog. It’s all about the hooman’s needs. But what about the dog’s needs? A dog needs a stable, loving home. A routine that it can feel safe in. Not shunting about between different families.

Dogs are as intelligent as a three year old. Rent-a-Child, anyone?

Chocolate cake

Cake cake cake. I just love cake. There are lots of birthdays coming up soon and I’m looking forward to the celebrations and hopefully getting some cake.

Hurmine had left a bowl of chocolate cake on her desk. I overheard her tell mum how she came back and the cherry on top was missing. And some of the cake. She just couldn’t understand it. Mum went red and started laughing. Hurmine said she had put the bowl at the back of her desk, and mum said it doesn’t really make any difference, I will still try my best to get it. Luckily, the lovely Hurmine forgave me.

Chocolate cake. Mmmm, don’t you just love it?

Smudge’s Deaf Awareness Week event

Mum took me to a primary school to explain to the students how I help her and what a difference I’ve made to her life. She spoke to 500 students throughout the day, delivering lots of workshops and answering everyone’s questions with David’s help. Some of the questions were really good, they showed the students were really thinking through what being deaf means. Mum’s favourite question (and mine) was “Why is your dog so beautiful?”. Here are a couple of photos from the day - here I am being mobbed! Every single person wanted to pat me.

It was a mainstream school and there is a deaf unit within the school. The students are integrated into mainstream education as appropriate. All around the school were large posters of the fingerspelling alphabet and a lot of the hearing children knew some sign language - mum was very impressed with that. Here’s the teacher David with 3 of his deaf students.

We had a really great day and they very kindly gave us some wine and dog treats. My tail hasn’t stopped wagging all day.

Puppy love

It’s not just people that love cute dogs. Apparently, so do cats!

Robbie has a new best friend, his new roomie who’s a Bengal cat. Robbie’s dad says Robbie has really calmed down since kittie arrived, Robbie just adores her, and they even sleep together in his bed. Ahhhhhh.